My mother in love has always been a nurturing and compassionate and sensitive woman. She is always the first one to ask how you are doing. And she really cares to know your answer when she asks.
I told her I was fine. My typical answer when I don’t want to talk about my feelings. I rarely want to talk about them. To be honest, I am much better at writing how I feel and processing everything that way as opposed to having a conversation with someone face to face and having to truly express my emotions. I hate crying. I hate feeling like I am on the verge of tears.
“Really?,” She said, at first. “Are you really okay?”
Of course, was my reply.
“You are amazing. I don’t know how you do it and you don’t complain.” She said.
I appreciated her compliment. I needed to hear it. I needed her encouragement.
Truth is, as comforting as her words were to me in that moment, I don’t really believe I am all that amazing. I choose stone face over emotion most of the time. I lack the patience to deal with all that we are dealing with.
What are we dealing with?
Six month ago, Dan truly believed it was time to start looking for a church he could pastor. Not as a college pastor or a small group pastor, but a teaching pastor. Senior Pastor. This was huge as for so long, Dan didn’t think the door would ever open because he did not finish his education and obtain his M.Div.
But, encouraged by the leadership at our church, Dan stepped down from his position at our church, and we have been praying and he has been applying.
We thought one church was going to call us to serve them, but it turned out to be a no. That was a heartbreaker. We fell in love with that church. The people. We could see us living in that community. In that State. We were ready.
Yet, God said no.
And to be honest, I was a little angry and frustrated. I was also tired.
Our church was extremely generous and helped us for a few months, but now the weight is completely on me to provide with my business and on the generosity of friends. So thankful.
God has been so good to us and has provided our every need. We are not rich in things, but we are taken care of. I could name off all the miraculous to you in complete gratitude of His provision. The fact that I am still able to be at home while we lay in wait is a miracle in itself.
But, I won’t lie and say that I am energized. I am not. I am tired. Tired of the hustle at times. God has also been doing a major work in my heart about what I should be doing and how to minister and love His people. I am also tired because I am desperate for a place we can stay at for a long time. Our whole family is tired of moving every two years.
Our children are tired. My husband is tired. I know he so wants to be at a church he can serve at and love on and teach and be there for many, many years. We want that.
We want to be firmly rooted and planted somewhere.
This season has been a long one. And it seems like it happens in cycles of every two years. It is hard. It is tiring. I don’t share this for you to pity me. Military families go through this far more often than we do. Their struggle is real.
It has been a struggle battling the discontentment I feel often, and trying to seek joy in the things that truly matter: being home with my family. More time with Dan since he is home more. More time with friends. More home cooked meals. Less busy.
More moments together that I know will become more of a fight to have once Dan finds the church we will serve at. Our family will always be first. We will fight for it, but it will be a struggle. It always is for ministry families.
I want to complain and cry and scream and tell everyone I know about how I hate the process of pastors applying to churches and how long it takes to get hired. I have to fight the urge to be dramatic. It comes naturally to me to be resentful and critical. Fighting it and laying down my urges to lash out have to be a daily thing.
And so, in the meantime, I will let God do His job. I will do mine: pray and abide.
I know God has a place for us somewhere. We feel confident in His calling of us to ministry in the local church. So I will do my best not to stomp my foot in impatience. (This is so hard for me! Ha!)
“Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever.” Ephesians 3:20-21 ESV
Whatever my feelings are right now about this whole waiting thing, and about the calling on my husband’s life, I know and believe that God is able to do far more than I could ever ask or think of.
So when I say we want to be rooted and planted, and to serve the local church, our greatest desire, God can go even beyond that.
Which is my very hope.
Be a Size You,