God who answers prayer
Sees me in my need
Runs to my despair
Your promise I believe
That You Are, You Are, You Are God
God Who Answers Prayer by Elevation Worship 2009
There is no sugar coating it. I have been struggling. Emotionally and physically.
Yesterday, we attended church as a family for the first time in weeks. WEEKS. A family that has served the better half of a decade in the local church suddenly finds themselves at a loss as to where to attend and worship. We have mostly resorted to online services and reading bible stories, listening to worship music or even watching Veggie Tales.
I tend to silently suffer in my emotions. Crying has always felt like a sign of weakness, like I am being a drama queen. I don’t cry often, but when I do, it is not in front of others. I can’t stand the attention or the questions from others who are concerned. Questions like “Are you okay?” are so hard for me to answer.
Because yes, I am okay, but just a little broken.
A little tired.
A little weary.
A lot over it.
Back in July, I blogged about how we were in the midst of waiting, as Dan felt God was calling him to Pastor a church. That it was time for him to make the next step in his call in vocational ministry.
We are still waiting, and honestly, this all looks like a pipe dream.
It feels like maybe, we heard wrong.
When Dan didn’t get a position back in June, and then all the “Thanks but no thanks” started to roll in, it was very easy to question what we were doing.
What God was doing.
I felt hurt. What was wrong with us, that nobody wanted us to be a part of their church? And if I could be brutally honest, I began to feel a little bit of anger towards those in leadership at those churches. It’s an ugly feeling, but I felt it.
It was also easy to question what we did wrong. What questions didn’t we answer correctly? What did I post on social media that they saw and didn’t like and made a judgement about us? So many questions, and we had no answers.
We still have no answers, except to press on.
Perhaps in the meantime, vocational ministry is a no for us. So we will do other things. We will serve His church. We will find a church to call home. I will still work at home with my hands for my family. Dan will work as well….to do what he can do take care of his little family that God has given him to lead.
“And the Lord will guide you continually
and satisfy your desire in scorched places
and make your bones strong;
and you shall be like a watered garden,
like a spring of water,
whose waters do not fail.” Isaiah 58:11
Sister friends, have you been there? Do you feel as though you have heard God clearly, but yet you find yourself in a place you didn’t expect?
Are you weary of waiting? Does resentment and hurt bubble up inside of you, daring to pour out its devastation and wrath to whoever or whatever crosses its path? Or do just feel tired and lack joy?
I am there with you. I get it. As tiring and long as this walk is, as often as we try to put on our brave face and smile through it, as much as we hate complaining….let us also walk in confidence that God hears us, sees us, and cares for us.
Let us cling to promises in His word, even if we have to read them with tight fists and tear-filled eyes. Even when we literally cannot find the words to utter in prayer, praise Him for the fact that He knows our heart before we speak it out loud.
Let us remember that when all of this is over, we will be like a spring of water. We will be renewed and restored. We have hope.
Praying for those of you in the trenches and in the desert, sister friends.
Be a Size You,